Hey guys...

There is art to picking a movie... (not as in picking a movie for the oscars)... I mean picking a movie, even if it's from your neighbourhood friendly vcd pirate, it is a skill much revered in today’s world of endless choices. There are movies which you just watch and forget (eg. Jurassic Park 3), also not forgetting the classics (Jurassic Park 1), and the almost memorable (Jurassic Park 2)… How in the world are we gonna pick out which movie to watch? So I’m here to give you guys and the clueless out there some nifty advices… yes that’s right… you are getting all these free of charge from the GURU of modern day movie himself…

Basically, choosing a movie to watch all depends on CONTEXT. Let me elaborate:

On days when you feel down, and that the world is against you, you need to draw on inspiration. And that inspiration will come from non other than movies that depict victory against tremendous odds, be it physical or emotional victory. The most classic example, and favourite movie of all times for me, would be FORREST GUMP. Nothing in modern cinema can even come close to matching the depth and beauty of that show. Not even Underworld, or Blade, or Scary Movie. Of course if you are in the mood to watch top notch actors pretend to be retarded, do not miss the following: Rain man by dustin hoffman, I am Sam by that guy, and Arnold in Batman Forever as Mr Freeze.

Movies also allow you to draw inspiration for other purposes as well.

1.) When your team is on a losing streak for soccer matches, and you are hoping for a miracle, watch Shaolin Soccer (the scene when “Da Ge Hui Lai Le”, and the monks start to fly and the keeper starts to hold on to the goal post with one hand, sitting crossed legged)

2.) When You wish to Sing KTV like a real pro, watch Shaolin Soccer (especially the singing scene)

3.) When you are having constipation, watch Jurassic Park 1 (the scene when the guy tries to shit in a toilet, but was too slow and was chomped on by the T-Rex)

4.) When You wanna suddenly adopt a Son, watch Star Wars (the infamous scene)

5.) When You need new lines to insult somebody on a soccer field after that person is being kicked in the butt, watch Brokeback Mountains (Shaun taught me this, of which I am eternally grateful)

6.) When you are just in it for a good laugh, watch anything that is very serious, and laugh at how serious the actors look. Just kidding. SO many movies that are out there to make you laugh until you get cramps. The BEST unintended laugh I had in the cinema was with Keith and the rest. We were watching Infection, the jap horror show… couldn’t stop laughing.

However, I must hereby clarify that humour differs from person to person. More so if the other party is of the other gender. Here are some examples:

1.) Imagine a scene where a cat sits on a toilet bowl, and is having a serious bout of diarrhoea, and it is like making funny cat faces, with sound effects of gas release which are obscenely loud and unbelievably long (DATE MOVIE). It is hilarious I tell you, but she will say “what the hell was that?”

2.) Imagine a scene where the actors sing a song, and with people dancing to it (DATE MOVIE). Very plain and ordinary. You will probably be dozing off, but looking beside you, you find her laughing her head off…

3.) Imagine a scene where the leading actress finally found someone who believes in her conspiracy theory, only for that someone to be sucked into a UFO hovering in the sky. “Yes I believe you… I really…” *sucking sound*…*sucked into the sky with arms waving frantically* (THE FORGOTTEN, starring Julianne Moore) There is no escaping stomach cramps for this one, but she might probably give you the blank look and say “SSHHH….”

As such, my final piece of advice will be never to watch a movie like DATE MOVIE with a girl. One reason is that she will absolutely be turned off (how not to be turned off with scenes like the fat girl having her boobs twisted to her back?) Secondly, you tend to suppress your laughter, because being the perfect gentleman, you cannot be seen laughing at spastic actions or nonsensical gestures or even obscene noises. However, you will not be able to take it because such movies are filled with scenes that will make you roll over. Lastly, when the show is over, you ask her how it was, and she will patronize you by saying “it’s ok”, when it is obvious, by looking at her eyes that she meant “What a waste of time”.
PS: if you are watching it with a girl whom you have known for ages and is already attached, then it is no fuss. Just apologise for the bad movie pick at the end of the day, and during the screening, laugh your ass off regardless.

---mian---